Thursday, December 14, 2006


But seriously, my life is a living hell. Every morning I am duty bound to go out in the frigid air and retrieve the newspaper for you. This would be easier if that god-forsaken paperboy didn’t throw it into the bushes every – single – time. Here it is, seven o’clock in the morning and I’m getting stuck by this thorny bush? No thank you sir. It would be one thing if maybe you poured me a cup of coffee when I got back inside – you sure seem to enjoy it. But no, there it is, day after day: my dirty water bowl. It is complete with hair and dirt and dust and dry dog food that is definitely no longer dry. Thanks for keeping my only source of refreshment on the floor all day!

One of my favorite parts of the day is when I get the urge to go to the bathroom. No matter how bad I have to go or how loudly I scratch at the door, I have to wait for you to get off your butt and open the door for me. God forbid I need to go during one of your precious sporting events. Well if you don’t want me to go right here on the carpet then I suggest you help me.

I also want to thank you for all of the restrictions you put on me in my own house. Let’s see…where am I not allowed to go? I’m definitely not allowed on the couch. Don’t worry; this cold hardwood floor is just as comfy. I’m also not allowed in the dining room. Oh, I and I can’t forget the fact that I am banned from ever going upstairs! That’s half the house that is off limits to me! And you’re always telling me how much of a part of the family I am. Well you don’t treat your human sons like this, I’ll tell ya.

And you guys love to have your parties. It seems like every weekend there are people over to watch football games or poker nights or dinner parties. You think I don’t like to party? Are you kidding me? After people start drinking they get really lazy with the food in their hands. But do I ever get to enjoy these events? Noooooo. I get locked in the garage. No, I guess I’ll just try to make conversation with the Honda Accord. “Hello Honda Accord, how are you? That’s great, Honda Accord, you have such interesting things to say.” I am so bored!!!

So anyway, I really hope that you love your precious newspaper today. I hope it’s worth it. At who’s expense? Mine. Can I ask you just one favor, please? Next time you throw me into the car, instead of taking me to the vet how about I get one visit to the park this year? Just one. I really need a day off.

-Disgruntled Dog

P.S. Thanks for neutering me!!

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