I KNOW YOU THINK IT’S CUTE BUT I REALLY SHOULDN’T BE DRIVING

I just want to put it on record that I think this is a bad idea. I’ll sit in the driver’s seat for a couple of minutes while you take a photo but as far as your idea to have me drive this car, I’m going to have to say no. I can only see this ending badly.

Ok, that’s funny, you’re getting in the passenger’s seat like I’m really about to back this car out of the driveway. You are hilarious. Please don’t put that seatbelt on me. Okay, now I have a seatbelt on. Just a little FYI, Seat belts are designed for the human body and give little protection to quadrupedal species. I plead with you now for the tiniest bit of sanity; what is your plan for pushing the gas pedal? And do not say you’re going to put a brick on the pedal because that will make it impossible to slow down. I hope you realize that.

I’d like to share with you an article that was read to me by someone who can actually read from the Xinhua News Agency:

“A Chinese dog owner who allowed her mutt to take the wheel of her car promptly crashed headlong into an oncoming car.
Mrs. Li from Hohhot, the capital of Chinese Inner Mongolia, admitted her dog was "was fond of crouching on the steering wheel and often watched her drive". Accordingly, she decided it was a bright idea to "let the dog 'have a try' while she operated the accelerator and brake" - with inevitable results.
Xinhua sadly fails to note either the breed of dog involved or details of the vehicles and the resultant carnage. It does, however, state that Li "paid for repairs", which seems fair enough in the circumstances. ®”

I don’t know about you, but that makes me not want to drive this car. It may sound silly, but I enjoy being alive. Naps, mealtime, walks through the park…these are the kinds of things I’m into. Driving a car to my certain death…not really my cup of tea.

Hey, I have an idea! Why don’t YOU get in the driver’s seat and I’ll get in the passenger’s seat and hang my head out the window while you drive. Oh boy, that sounds fun. And safe! Safe and fun. Yes, I realize that that is how we always do it and that it won’t be a fun story to tell your buddies at the next card game. But look on the bright side. You will actually be able to GO to the next card game. It’ll be hard to get around when you’re in traction at the hospital for the next six months.

Remember when you had me take over the flying duties for that remote controlled plane you bought last year. Remember how not more than 15 seconds after I had the remote in my paws, it crashed it into a tree and set the tree on fire? Well that’s pretty much all I can think about right now. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to jump out of the car window right now. It’s a sad day when the dog is more sensible and practical than the owner but it’s just the way the cookie has, apparently, crumbled.

Speaking of cookies, I’m going to go look for some in the trashcan right now. Maybe there will be some coffee grounds I can spread all over the kitchen floor! As you see, my day is already too full to squeeze in driving lessons. I’ll see you later after you’ve calmed down.

Sincerely, Earl Droop