WHY DID YOU THROW IT TO ME IF YOU WANTED IT BACK RIGHT AWAY?

Look, when you first asked me to come to the beach today, I admit I was overjoyed. I saw all those blankets and beach gear you were taking out to the car and I thought if only you asked me to come with you this could turn out to be the greatest day of my short life. The sand, the waves, the sun and the possibility of running into some of those beautiful beach beagles were almost more than I could handle. I don’t know if you noticed but I almost swallowed my tongue when you told me to get in the car.

The excitement I felt during the car ride to the coast was absolutely palpable. You probably didn’t think I noticed because I’m a dog, but I loved that mix CD you made with all songs about the beach with a lot of Beach Boys and Dick Dale mixed in. If I could only make one suggestion on your next mix, I would put in Katrina and the Waves “Walking on Sunshine.” I love to bark during the “whoa-o” part in the chorus. I have fun in my own way.

When we set up a spot on the beach I was so excited I peed a little. Luckily, dogs don’t wear pants so this proved not to be too much of an issue. After applying sun tan lotion for what seemed like an hour, you finally pulled out of your bag the holy grail for dogs at the beach: The Frisbee.

Oh, I couldn’t wait for you to toss me that flying piece of heaven so I could catch it in my mouth and finally be the possessor of such a grand invention. But no sooner than the moment I had the disc in my teeth did you call me over to you and asked me to drop it. I, of course, refused to do such a thing. There we were, locked in a somewhat annoying battle of uncomfortable stares. I mean, you had just given it to me! You had it all day. Heck, I’ve never seen this frisbee before. For all I know, you’ve had this thing your whole life! I get it for five measly seconds and now it’s your turn again? Something was just not right.

After I finally relented and you got your “precious” frisbee back, what happened next still confuses me. You threw it right back to me! What? That doesn’t make any sense! Not ten seconds ago it was the end of the world if I didn’t give you the frisbee back “right now.” Then all the sudden you don’t care about it anymore? Please! Of course I accepted it, after all, I had only spent about 15 seconds total with this awesome toy.

What happened next was something I never would have believed if I hadn’t been there. Immediately after you threw me the frisbee for the second time, you once again demanded that I return the frisbee back to you. Are you kidding me! You’re in need of some serious psychiatric evaluation, buddy. When I refused to give you the frisbee back the second time, that’s when things turned violent. You bent down and tried to rip the toy from my clenched teeth. I may need dental work now! There we were, both as stubborn as two…things that have a history of being stubborn? Mules, that’s it! We were two stubborn mules.

Of course you won, and now you are the proud owner of a frisbee, covered in the slobber of disappointment. Yeah, I know that you immediately threw it right back to me. I am well aware of this all-too predictable turn of events. It did it me in the face you know! But I refused then and I will refuse in the future to ever play those mind games with you again. You got a lot of nerve man. A lot of nerve. And next time you go to the beach…well, still ask me to come because I had a blast!

“walkin’ on sunshine – whoa-o – and don’t it feel good!”

-Roofus Wainwright