THIS IS CLEARLY TOO LONG FOR A DOG TO BE

Come on now… What are you doing to me here? Look how long I am! This is unnatural and quite frankly it makes it very difficult to get around. You think I can jump up on the couch all by myself? Well, then you got another thing coming, pal. Oh boy. Look at my little legs. I can barely keep my stomach from scraping the ground when I walk. If I try and rear up on my hind legs, there’s no telling how long they’ll hold. You have to be careful when you’re a genetic anomaly so I spend most of my time hiding in narrow hallways and peeking around corners. Hey, you have to play to your strengths.

I see other dogs having fun, chasing their tails. I can only dream. You think I can chase my tail? Well I can’t. Thanks for asking. My tail is so far away it’s in a different area code! (*rim shot*) Please don’t laugh at that. Your laughter only feeds my insecurity and leads to painful introspection. This would be funny if I were Odie from the Garfield comic strip. He’s a classic comic foil. But last time I checked, I wasn’t a cartoon character devoid of any actual emotion. I’m flesh and blood, people! If dogs could cry, I would be that dog.

I tell you what, you should print out my picture and then fold it up like the back page of a Mad Magazine until I look like a real dog. As a matter of fact, I’ll do that for you. Check this out:

That’s more like it. Maybe now I can get a date. I might have to do something about that unsightly line in the middle of my body but beggars surely cannot be choosers. Oh, a girl can dream.